The Worst Thing and the Best Things

A personal exercise to try for yourself

I'm just a man, and killers, angels
Are all me
Dictators, saviours, refugees
Live inside of me

(‘Man-erg’, Van Der Graaf Generator)

As someone with OCD I’m given to confessing. It’s a tendency I need to guard against. However, I’m not writing this blog as an entry in a moral accounts ledger, but as a thought exercise that demonstrates how grotesque topsy-turvey our civilisation is.

In short, my worst actions in life have received remarkably little push-back, moral censure or consequences (recognising that white privilege has a lot to do with that) while my best actions have received all three of those.

When I speak of worst actions, I’m not just thinking of harmfulness or being against conventional morality (though these both play a part) but in terms of actions committed in selfishness and callous thoughtlessness. I think it’s a rare percentage of us humans who are actively malicious and sadistic - rather, we come up with excuses to justify behaviour that deep down we know to be wrong.

When I was 21 I dated a girl who was 16/17 (of sixth form age here in the UK). Age gap discourse wasn’t nearly as intense back in the 2000s than it is now, but even back then this was clearly on the squicky side of being acceptable. Being protected by the UK age of consent being 16, I was complacent about the immorality of that power imbalance, telling myself “It’s legal here and we’ve both only had one previous relationship each”. Some years after that relationship, I apologised to my ex-partner, with her telling me that she was long over it and I could tell anyone anything about the relationship that I wanted [I wouldn’t be writing this without that permission].

I can think of only //one// friend who sincerely told me at the time that the age gap was problematic and the relationship a bad idea. Now that’s not to say that all my other friends thought the relationship was a good idea or were even necessarily fine with that age gap – but they were unable to voice any concerns they might have had sincerely and straightforwardly. My housemates made some teasing jokes. Female friends I had talked about her being attractive. Both our sets of parents knew about the relationship. Because people who cared about me didn’t want to hurt my feelings, they simply chose not to confront the fact that it was obviously wrong.

Unsurprisingly we both ended up hurt and then, having broken up, friends and family members felt able to say they’d always thought the relationship was a bad idea.

—

I would judge the best things I’ve done in terms of right intentions and right actions. They’ve been done out of a spirit of selflessness in order to try to prevent harm or help others and have taken some degree of bravery or courageousness. For these actions I have received express condemnation, concern and consequences. I’d say those best things are/ were: Getting arrested for direct action on an Extinction Rebellion protest, talking down a man with a knife who was threatening his girlfriend, and (potentially) donating a kidney to a student.

The protest was against Shell and involved several of us climbing onto the roof of a petrol station. The blockade resulted in the station being closed for the day, costing Shell money. Shell were complicit in the murder of the Ogoni Nine, have committed vast amounts of bribery and corruption and, of course, are partially responsible for the continued ecocide of much of our planet’s fauna and flora.

When my secondary school students discovered (because I am very easy to Google) that I had been arrested (several years before entering teaching) many of them were incensed. I explained that I had spent a night in the cells but that ultimately the case was thrown out of court. Some students said I should have been run over; one of them said they would run me over themselves. Some anger and ridicule was directed towards Greta Thunberg.

This was all in-keeping with the reaction of much of the public towards XR (both globally and locally) even during the least disruptive protests. I experienced lots of angry haranging and being sworn at , even though some people would admit and accept that Shell and similar oil companies are transparently corrupt.

When it came to stopping the man with the knife, understandably my partner at the time was not keen on me entering a stranger’s house to intervene in a domestic dispute, urging me to just wait for the police. However, I knew the police would take time to arrive and might even escalate the situation. The woman was screaming at the top of her lungs “Help!” and “He’s going to kill me!”

There was already furniture tipped over and blood on the walls when I arrived. Thankfully I managed to talk calmly to the man, giving him space to explain why he was so upset. His partner admitted to cutting him a few weeks back. I got him to drop the knife and he seemed a lot calmer by the time the police arrived.

Telling a handful of people about what had happened the general feeling was that I should not have gone into the house.

Lastly, I am currently in the process of trying to donate a kidney to a student who desperately needs a transplant. It is unlikely to shorten my lifespan or cause significant long-term effects upon my health. It is a major operation, but I have had a major operation before. However, I have received serious push-back from several friends and family members. One of my closest friends has been actively angry about my decision, even harsh. My partner has been supportive, as have, most notably, my three closest autistic friends. Greta Thunberg once credited her autism for allowing her to cut through the “blah blah blah” and cognitive dissonance that constitutes so much of the political discourse around climate change.

Personally, I feel like I’m just trying to do something concrete and good in a world in which it feels like we are actively encouraged to just be selfish consumers uninterested in the world around us. Surely we should live in a society that makes it easy to be good and hard to be creul, callous and selfish?

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EDIT: I took a break from writing to attend a vigil outside my local hospital for all the healthcare workers murdered by the IDF and the Israeli government. There were many car horns sounded in support, but also the tired old calls of “Get a job!” etc.

In short, it feels like the morality of this Western late-stage capitalist civilisation is inverted. Reading this, you might not have done anything in your personal life that deserves the kind of condemnation that I should have received when younger (but, frankly, only received when later in my 20s I entered into communication with lots of feminists about my younger relationship). However, it is likely that your work has required you to act in a way contrary to your values. I have written about this before.

For instance, I think spending half-a-year convincing elderly people to shell out more for their home insurance was an evil way to spend my time. For this I was often praised for being the best salesperson in my team.

So, as a short thought exercise, try to remember the things you have done in life which you think were most commendable and then the things you have done for which you feel the most shame and regret. How much condemnation for the latter did you actually receive? (As apart from just inside your own head). How much praise or celebration did you receive for the former? (As apart from just inside your own head).

Perhaps Trump and Netanyahu are all the examples we need that this civilisation oftem rewards our worst traits and impulses, not our best.